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Dustin

[ website | XPRIDEX ]
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The wools removed, and now I see. My leg was pulled, the jokes on me. [29 Jun 2010|02:25pm]
Me: Yo, Last Two Years of My Life, you're looking pretty rough.
L2YoML: That's because I'm fucking wastedddddd! So much Lost Time (offbrand of Earlytimes) man!
Me: Oh. Well, I'm going to go ahead and forget about you now. I've made some new friends; Happy, Not Anxious, Not Being Lied To and Not Being Mentally Abused. They've treated me pretty well so far.
L2YoML: Ah, come on man. I'm not that bad, think about the good times we've had!
Me: Sorry but I'm not letting myself fall into that mental void anymore. But thanks for the lessons.
fucked me

As I hide behind these books I read while scribbling my poetry [17 May 2010|03:21pm]
Sometimes I wish I would have spent more time learning to understand people and how to interact with them and less reading books. I am an absolute failure when it comes to maintaining relationships; just ask my friends or my ex-girlfriends, they all know. To most people social interaction is like a given...you just do it. I can hear some of my friends "Come on Dustin it's just hanging out with people...what the hell are you being over analytic about? Just hang out." And that's just my issue...I think about way too much. Too be honest I don't connect with people in a lot of ways and I tend to focus on that more than I should and less on the things people in general all have in common. I promise I don't mean to say, nor do I have the attitude that I'm better than people, that the things I think about and care about are somehow more important or better and that's why I can't connect with people. I don't feel that way. But the fact that my interests and my daily thoughts ARE so out of sync with most peoples makes me feel isolated or a disconnect. I'm not a fan of being like this at all. I hate that I get in a social setting and it feels like there's a whole slew of people who are comfortable and used to each other and when I'm there I just like stick out, I'm not a part of it. I know in a lot of ways that that is wrong. It's interesting to me that a lot of people's perception of me is this overly opinionated arrogant asshole who could give a fuck less about people, what they think and where I fit in with them. It's not the case at all. Granted, I am opinionated but so is the entire world whether they want to admit it or not. If you don't have an opinion you're not participating as far as I'm concerned. I've come to find that what people don't like is when your opinion is well-founded and disagrees with theirs and you have no qualms about expressing it. It's also a product of that whole "me and people don't think or care about the same shit" thing. As far as arrogant goes I think that's pretty laughable. I'll say I put on a show of arrogance from time to time but there's no foundation for it at all, in my head or in the real world. If arrogance is being overly confident then I'd be better off categorized as the opposite of that most of the time. I am not confident about what I think or do most of the time. I'm not confident in my personality at all. I convince myself that people don't really like me or who I am they just act like it. And then I tell myself "why would they?" I can't tell you how many times I've been in situations like the following. "Hey, I kind of want to hang out with someone or do something. There's this going on, I could get a hold of these people. Nah, I don't want to be around people so I'll just sit at home and be anxious and wish I wasn't an anti-social weirdo. Maybe next time!" All these things go on when you're young that affect you when you're older you don't even think about and then you're just fucked when adulthood comes. It bums me out to say "I'm going to work harder on being a normal, functioning adult who has healthy, stable friendships and relationships." It bums me out to say "I think I need to get on medicine for anxiety...and probably depression and whatever the hell else is fucked in my head." It bums me out to see people behave and act "normal" and get through there lives "normally" and to have no idea how you attain that or what I haven't done, or did do to end up in the position I am and how they've managed to be okay. I know that sounds stupid, but oh well. I'm tired of typing.
1 have| fucked me

[15 Apr 2010|05:00pm]
If I could tame all my desires, and wait out the weather that howls in my brain. It seems that its always changing. The winds indecision...the sorrowful rain.
fucked me

[02 Jan 2010|01:57am]
[ mood | calm ]

It hurts sometimes to think about how far away this is from what you'd hoped for.
The way things were supposed to stay.
And though you learned a lesson and you took it with grace,
I wish I could stop the cold hand of reality from hitting you in the face.
But there is no sparkling clean solution.
And shit isn't just gonna get resolved in a half an hour,
with special guest stars and pearls of wisdom.
So let's not kid ourselves here.
You and I were swindled by an image that was so tantalizing and real that I could almost taste it.
But now the stench of failure is worse than anything.
It permeates everything I do.
And I'm starting to realize that I'd rather have nothing than have a lie,
and sitting waiting for a life that's already passed me by.

fucked me

Hey [27 Nov 2009|11:16pm]
[ mood | calm ]

I wish people didn't get sad.

fucked me

Saw an eagle on a pole. [30 Oct 2009|11:02pm]
...and it's such a long way back to all the fun I've had. When nothing ever seemed to bother me.
fucked me

Tangled Up [24 Sep 2009|08:15pm]
[ mood | blank ]

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down.

fucked me

White Shoes [05 Sep 2009|10:53pm]
[ mood | blah ]

You can wear your new white shoes
In the muddy afternoon
Walking past the Stay Drunk stoop
They whistle with their hands
But I could be your catcall, too
Anything you want to do
Anything you want to do

You can take your slide trombone
Play it in your catacombs
Find a town that moves real slow
And turn it on its head
And I could be your pharaoh's tomb
Anything you want to do
Lover, anything you want to do

And if you want to be common
I can claim that I tamed you
A demigod in a bonnet
They're going to know it ain't true

You can paint your nails lime green
Rent yourself a limousine
Kidnap the professor's niece
Tell them that she's dead
We'll party in a hotel room
Anything you want to do
Sister, anything you want to do

You can get your hair all wet
Sleeping on the riverbed
Kiss a frog and then dissect
You got to find out what's inside
And you can have my bad side, too
Anything you want to do
Sure, anything you want to do

And if you want to be common
I will claim that I tamed you
A demigod in a bonnet
They're going to know it ain't true

And yes, you are King David's star
And the crescent moon, and the crescent moon
You must sweep the Bowdhi tree
I sit beneath, and I sit beneath

You can wear your new white shoes
In the dirty afternoon
Walking through the traffic fumes
A flower in your hair
And I will swing upon your moods
Anytime you want me to
Just tell me what you want to do
Anything you want to do
Anything you want to do

1 have| fucked me

[21 Aug 2009|11:17am]
[ mood | blank ]

Everyone's afraid of their own life
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
No one really knows the ones they love
If you knew everything they thought
I bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut up
Well, you were the dull sound of sharp math
When you were alive
No ones gonna play the harp when you die
And if I had a nickel for every damn dime
I'd have half the time, do you mind?
Everyone's afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?
Am I right? And it's our lives

It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember were alive for the last time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
To live before you die
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
That our lives are such a short time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
When it takes such a long time

It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember:
My mom's God is a woman and my mom she is a witch
I like this

My hell comes from inside, comes from inside myself
Why fight this?
Everyone's afraid of their own lives
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?

fucked me

Malice [24 Jul 2009|07:17pm]
[ mood | blah ]

The older I get, the colder my heart grows.
I surprised I can smile with such sorrow.
And inside I keep it bottled.
I'm numb to this shit, like my pilot is on auto.

fucked me

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